Frustrated…

I am lost in my head trying to remember the touch of another human being.  I see it in the corner of my mind.  I want to reach out and get it but I am afraid.  Promises made to myself and my higher power… but I need human connection… Need… I need… and I am not even a fan of people.. maybe a person.. Just don’t know who…

 

Take Me Now

It has been a long time since I have had an intimate moment with someone. Even an simple hug would probably put me into overdrive.

I keep having this image in my mind…well… follow me if you will… (THIS WILL FLOW AS IT DOES IN MY HEAD)
I am about to leave my office, like any other day and someone is on the other side of the door. A stranger. I am in my own zone so I just see body there in front of me. I don’t get a chance to focus to see who it is before I am pushed back into my office, everything slapped out of my hands, and I am turned around and pushed down on the desk in front of me. To the average person, they would probably be fearful. To me… in this moment… I am hotter than fish grease at a summer cookout. Who is this? Why am I so turned on right now? What else is about to happen to me? Sir, Ma’am, whomever you are.. please, oh please, take advantage of me?

Wait! Am I serious in this moment? I am excited. Why am I not nervous about this? Would this be the dreaded word? Or is this consensual? It can’t be.. right? I don’t know who it is and I technically have not given permission to be so forceful with me; and they have not done anything to me yet. But.. sigh I want them to so bad…

Yessssss! Please tear this shirt! I never really liked it anyway.. Well I did kind of but I can get another one… Will it take away from what you are doing if I go ahead and unbutton these pants? You know I don’t want to slow you down in any way… I want to see you now.. I want to know who you are. I really just want to kiss you deeply.

Or you can do that too.. No one has kissed my neck like this in forever. You really don’t have to be that gentle but these nibbles sends chills down to my toes.. WHO ARE YOU? Soooo, you just gonna pull my hair back like that and I can’t know who you are? DAHYEM you are good… How the.. When the.. I don’t even care anymore… See, see what you did? Yes it is already sliding down my thigh.. Now would you be so kind to licking this up? OR maybe not… what is this you are putting inside of me? Maybe if I pretend to struggle you you will pull my hair again and I can catch a glimpse in the mirror of your face. Oh of course your face is perfectly hidden in the shadows. I give up at this point. Mystery shall be your name, and having your way with me is definitely your game.

Focus! You can not let Mystery know that you are okay with this. You have to put up some type of fight. Right! Ok what am I supposed to do when this feels so amazing… Pull away or something.. With each thrust more of me pours out.. I am begging for you to flip me over.. Let me ride, my chest against yours… I can still attempt to fight back.. Maybe you can… Continue to read my mind.. Yeeeeeeaaassss!!!!! please let me just stop thinking…

Um excuse me, is that your hand or some type of well.. I am just asking since you may not come back into my life and I like the way that feels and maybe I can purchase it and use it with someone else.. ok I know I am talking to much. But I am not sure how to or what I am supposed to be doing.. should I be cheering you on or……… *nodding* I can just explode like that… Will you be mine forever… I have not felt like this ever… My body can do that? Is that natural? Please let me kiss you? I am begging at this point… All I want to do is say thank you… I needed this.

Mystery are you really just going to leave me like this? What am I supposed to wear out of my office to my car? You tore up my shirt, I think my pants are still in one piece.. Wait did you get yours because we can continue if you need? Why must you fade away? When can we do this again? Can you just give me a window of your return? I wont know when you would actually show up… How about you bring a friend to?

Sigh… Back in reality. Its just the worst security ever outside my door, who is older than my great-grandfather… Guess I will go home.. I would do it myself but it would not be the same… Truly longing for some kind of intimacy.

No Sitting By The Phone

My past came back to me. In one quick second my world fell apart. A simple message that said I miss you and I am thinking about you. I waited for this for six months. SIX months I waited and waited and wondered and cried and withdrew from the world. Turned cold. Still sitting here alone.

Now I am in my head… Its sometimes a horrible place to be.. Right now it just not fun at all..

Everything comes flooding back in. The great moments that I thought were perfect, and brings the biggest smile on my face. Then the reality that those moments weren’t perfect because you were not in it with me. You are happy with someone else.

SIGH

I waited a long time for the moment that you would say that you are thinking of me. That you missed me. It finally came. I am not sure if I really wanted it anymore. I am all screwed up again. I do miss you.. I miss you like hell… One person that I thought would have been in my world forever. I opened up to and trusted with everything in me because we were always open and truthful. Or so I thought.

Its here. I have sooooo much to say to you to get off my chest but my hands wont let me. My heart is hurting. And truth is I never stopped sitting by the phone. I wait for my moment to be second yet again. Hurting myself with these small cuts. These tiny pricks that I don’t realize is there until something brushes against me. Or a tear rolls across it and it burns. These memories that I am alone. All the while you live. Nothing holding you back.

No sitting by the phone. Who am I kidding? I’m done.